I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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8
9
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90Me: Nailed it.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
it is time once again
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.