kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Banking tips
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“The Perfect Relationship”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Two types of dogs.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.