Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Britain be like
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…