Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.