Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
(True)
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Noah was an idiot.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes