I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
how to exercise your calf muscles
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?