People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.