angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change