Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I missed you with all my darts
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.