•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
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Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
how much for the angry fruit?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
back to work
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype