Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.