ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.