Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.