[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops