My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
In Canada they just call them geese
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Yup!
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.