at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
she has a point
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?