Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family