My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
I put the h in mysterious.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
2023 was just a warmup
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?