Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Yup….perfect score!
Banana is the quietest snack
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?