[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.