the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.