Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white