Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.