If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You Might Also Like
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
canadian assassins are called killergrams
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
How is it still this week?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this