bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME