Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Name another movie that mislead you?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*