How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
🤔😂😂
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.