Had an epiphany today.
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work