“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My first son he is wonderful
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner