The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!