I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
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Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc