[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
You Might Also Like
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*