Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
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Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
#Thanos #MondayMood
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
can’t catch a break