Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
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There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
This hospital has everything
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.