When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know