If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Favourite diary entry ever
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault