my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
What even happened today?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross