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Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am