If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
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what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
me after drinking all the wine:
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds