i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie