[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
You Might Also Like
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
23. the denim jacket
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.