My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.