peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this