My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!