(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Not today, today.
Not today.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.