I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
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LMAO.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.