SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
You Might Also Like
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”