Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
who wore it better?
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office