CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
that de-escalated quickly
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?