Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
The legends speak of a third Duran…
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
the Monday after daylight savings
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.